Warning: Article contains strong opinions that some readers may find offensive and/or disturbing. Not for the weak at heart or sense of humour-less. This article is inspired by true events however characters and entities depicted are fictional, any resemblance or similarity to your own actions are purely coincidental.
Something like a gazelle at a watering hole, always grazing. You have never actually seen this person lift a weight, but they are always at the gym at the peak time, with the same after work crowd that you are. Maybe they pay their membership for the free fountain water, but who’s complaining at least they are not taking up space on the gym floor.
The Poser/ Show Off
Unlike ‘The Gazelle’, this character is always on the gym floor taking up space. They are also there with the same after-work peak time crowd as you, but you are convinced they sneak in a workout before the rush just to come in and pose. As you have never actually seen them do any work, and yet they always look so good, outfit on point, fresh shoes and just effortlessly standing there with the body that you are working so hard to achieve. As annoying as they are, I guess it serves as motivation to push yourself to be able to achieve poser status one day.
The Machine Hog
This person is not only taking up space, but they are taking up space everywhere! No matter where you go, they always seem to be going there too. Its hard to get a workout in with ‘the machine hog’ present. Good thing this person generally isn’t a regular gymer. They typically believe they have to hog all the machine is because 1) they are more important than you and 2) they don’t know when they will be back in, so are trying to get everything done at once.
So when you see the gym hog present, just steer clear of all fixed machines and make that day a free weight day. This avoids awkward tension, and them standing over you staring you down with that disgruntled expression as if you kidnapped their puppy.
Hardly comes in, but when they do, they know just how to slack with the best of them, walking on the treadmill at less than 0 mph with a gradient of 1% (to make them feel like they are working) looking around at everyone working hard. This person never gets the results they desire and just cannot understand why.
The Over Achiever
The complete opposite to the slacker, always in the gym, in every class, uses every machine, stays longer than everyone else and still hasn’t managed to reach their goal. Hovering gently above the over training zone, so doesn’t actually show any signs or symptoms of overtraining but definitely doesn’t give his body enough time to rest.
The know it all
Never worked in a gym, never had a trainer that went over technique guidelines, never underwent any formal fitness training, (unless you call YouTube and bodybuilder.com formal) and yet feels they have the authority to correct and dictate what everyone else should be doing. Try to avoid at all costs, chances are that they are so convincing you will believe what they are saying and end up with a slipped disc.
Doesn’t matter if you go out of your way to get this person into their favourite class, just the mere fact that there was a potential possibility they may not get into it is enough to set them off. This person is the classic user of the phrase ‘I pay my membership so I should get anything and everything I want’. If this is you, I must apologise for your misguided opinion that someone is out to get you, if you come in at the latter end of the peak time, you aren’t likely to get a locker. We are not intentionally trying to make your life unbearable by letting the persons that got into the gym before you, get into the class you wanted to do. It really is just first come first serve.
Doesn’t matter what time you go, which location you attend or how often you are there. This person could as well be staff. The addict is very pleasant, always puts their weights back to try and keep the gym tidy, knows everyone in the gym and gets along with everyone as if they are family, because lets face it- they have made the gym their home.
Never a dull moment with this person around, although can be annoying at times, the talker generally stays at the front desk, so rarely gets in the way of actual gym users. But they always have something to say, you may be having a conversation with your pastor, if the talker is around he will chime in and give his unwarranted opinion too.
The Perfect Member
This mythical creature has never actually been spotted, rumours arose around late 2014 that this type actually existed, but is yet to be confirmed. It has been said that ‘The Perfect Member’ pays gym fees on time, attends classes and gives it his all, also doesn’t stress if the class is full when he arrives. Often seen putting back not only his weights but also other weights around him too, and is always available to spot if asked. If spotted please contact your nearest front desk to verify the claim.